Rekindling the Flame: How Gottman and Human Givens Can Transform Your Relationship

The air crackles with unspoken tension. You’re walking on eggshells, dreading the next argument. Or perhaps the silence is deafening, in a cold, empty space where intimacy used to bloom. You’re not alone. Many couples find themselves adrift, lost in a sea of misunderstandings, resentment, and disconnection. But there’s hope. As a therapist, I’ve witnessed the transformative power of couples therapy, particularly when we weave together the insightful framework of the Gottman Method with the practical, solution-focused techniques of Human Givens.

Imagine a relationship where you feel truly heard, understood, and valued. Where conflicts are navigated with respect, and intimacy deepens with each passing day. That’s not a fairytale; it’s achievable. Let’s explore how this unique blend of therapeutic approaches can help you reclaim the joy and connection you once shared.

The Gottman Method: Building a Sound Relationship House

Think of your relationship as a house. The Gottman Method provides a blueprint for constructing a sturdy, loving home. At its core lies the "Sound Relationship House" theory, a framework that identifies nine crucial components for a thriving partnership.

Building Love Maps: This involves truly knowing your partner's inner world – their dreams, fears, and passions. We’ll delve into questions that reveal the hidden corners of their heart, strengthening your emotional connection.
Sharing Fondness and Admiration: Expressing appreciation and respect for your partner cultivates a positive atmosphere. We’ll work on shifting your focus from what’s wrong to what’s right, rekindling the spark of admiration.
Turning Towards Instead of Away: Small, everyday moments of connection are the building blocks of intimacy. We’ll explore how to recognise and respond to your partner’s bids for attention, fostering a sense of emotional security.
The Positive Perspective: When couples maintain a positive view of their relationship, they’re better equipped to navigate challenges. We'll work on shifting your mindset to one of optimism and hope.
Managing Conflict: Arguments are inevitable, but how you handle them matters. You'll learn practical skills for constructive conflict resolution, focusing on gentle start-ups, repair attempts, and compromise.
Making Life Dreams Come True: Supporting each other’s individual aspirations creates a sense of shared purpose. We'll explore how to align your dreams and values, forging a deeper connection.
Creating Shared Meaning: Establishing rituals, traditions, and shared goals strengthens your bond. We’ll work on creating a unique narrative for your relationship, a tapestry of shared experiences and values.
Trust: The foundation of any strong relationship. We’ll address past hurts, rebuild trust, and create a safe space for vulnerability.
Commitment: A shared dedication to the relationship’s longevity. We’ll explore your commitment to each other, strengthening your resolve to navigate challenges together.

Human Givens: Addressing Core Needs for a Flourishing Partnership

While the Gottman Method provides a comprehensive framework, Human Givens offers a practical, solution-focused approach to addressing underlying needs. This model highlights nine essential emotional and physical needs that must be met for well-being:

Security: Feeling safe and protected in your relationship.
Autonomy and Control: Having a sense of agency and independence.
Connection to the Wider Community: Maintaining healthy social connections beyond your relationship.
Emotional Intimacy: Experiencing deep emotional connection and vulnerability with your partner.
Status: Feeling valued and respected in your relationship and beyond.
Competence and Achievement: Feeling capable and successful in your endeavours.
Meaning and Purpose: Having a sense of direction and purpose in life.
Privacy: Having personal space and time for self-reflection.
Attention: Giving and receiving focused attention from your partner.

When these needs are unmet, relationships can falter. Human Givens techniques help us identify these unmet needs and develop practical strategies for addressing them. For example, if one partner feels a lack of autonomy, we might explore ways to create more space for individual pursuits. If emotional intimacy is lacking, we might work on improving communication and vulnerability.

What to Expect in Couples Therapy, With Me

Couples sessions will be a blend of education, skill-building, and exploration. We’ll use Gottman’s assessments to gain a deeper understanding of your relationship dynamics. We’ll also use Human Givens techniques to identify unmet needs and develop practical strategies for addressing them.

You’ll learn:

How to communicate effectively and respectfully.
How to manage conflict constructively.
How to rebuild trust and intimacy.
How to create a shared vision for your relationship.
How to identify and address unmet emotional needs.

A Journey of Hope and Transformation

Couples therapy is an investment in your relationship, a journey of hope and transformation. It requires courage, vulnerability, and a willingness to change. But the rewards are immeasurable: a deeper connection, a more fulfilling partnership, and a love that lasts.

References:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2000). The seven principles for making marriage work. Three Rivers Press.

Griffin, J., & Tyrrell, I. (2023) HUMAN GIVENS: An Empowering Approach to Emotional Health and Clear Thinking.